Scale Wars

Thursday, the dreaded weigh in day!

I weighed myself this morning and was up 0.4 pounds, I immediately thought about flinging my damn scale out the window because clearly it hates me. I have not over eaten this week (not even the pastry a client brought to the office), every meals calories were logged into my fitness pal which tells me that I should have lost 1.5 pounds this week. I have had many salads, spinach smoothies, chicken and very few carbs so I have decided the only explanation for this gain is that my scale would like to have a war.

Bring it on scale! I am going to win this war with you this time, I am not going to give up on myself just because you want to screw with my head. Wait a minute, did I just write that? Have I had a non-scale victory?

6 months ago a gain on the scale after I had done all the right things would have sent me straight to Starbucks for a high fat latte, a breakfast sandwich and probably one of this giant cookies too. This morning after stepping on the scale I immediately posted my frustrations to The Bariatric Sisterhood Facebook group and I had instant positive feedback, just what I needed this morning! So after a little inspiration from my group I got up and got ready for work, making my usual breakfast, my spinach for my smoothie and my salad for lunch.

Non-scale victory? Absolutely!

Sticking to a Healthy Lifestyle

I have been doing really well with sticking to my healthy lifestyle over the last few weeks and I am trying really hard to keep up the good habits I have been creating but it is not easy. I spend so much time thinking about food everyday it seems almost crazy.

Planning and tracking my food is a big part of changing of my lifestyle. I usually plan 2 full days of meals at a time because if I have to think about what I am going to eat then I will almost always choose something that is less nutritious. I have been tracking my calories and activity using the my fitness pal and I find it very easy to use and it does not take me too much extra time.

I have had a really hard time with my scale the last 2 weeks. The problem is not the number on the scale (even though I don’t like the number), the problem is that I can’t keep myself off of it. I need to break the habit of stepping on the scale because I know that weight fluctuates day to day and I also know that I have been eating well and if the scale doesn’t show it I will lose motivation.

I am hoping that I can keep up the momentum since I have been doing so well but I can feel myself longing for those high fat and high sugar foods although I have not caved in yet!

One day at a time, and one pound at a time I am determined to stick to this new lifestyle. I know that eating well makes me feel good and eating bad makes me feel bad, but it is so hard to resist all those high fat, sugary and convenient foods.

Now that my oldest son has started lacrosse season the trick will be to get through the out of town tournaments and the busy nights while keeping up with my changes.

Small Changes and Big Differences

Over the past few weeks I have made some changes to my diet and activity level, some big changes and some smaller changes that hopefully will all add up to a lifetime of health and smaller clothes.

What changes have I made?

First I had a meeting with an Eating Psychology Coach that I met through my support group, we talked for over an hour and a half and she helped convince me to make just a few small changes. Her suggestions were to cut carbs just one meal a day to start, add vitamin B6 & B12, and increase activity to reduce stress.

So first order of business is to start cutting the carbs, this is a must after surgery so I decided to give it a try and cutting them one meal at a time didn’t seem like it would be too difficult. I should clarify that when I am talking about cutting carbs I am talking the processed bad for you carbs like rice and bread just to name a couple, the carbs in my veggies don’t count.

Implementing the no carb meals into my everyday life hasn’t been too hard if I plan ahead. I decide what my family will have for supper that night and if it has carbs then I have a salad for lunch and eggs and fruit for breakfast. My snacks almost never include carbs so that wasn’t an issue.

The next thing to do is purchase vitamin B6 & B12, easily done and I put them with my other vitamins and started taking them daily.

Now for the last step, increase activity. This wasn’t to hard for me either, I started with one of the 30 day challenges posted to my blog and now that I have completed that one I have gone straight into the other challenge.

After just 2 weeks of successfully completing these tasks that were given to me I feel great. I have more energy than I have had in years, I feel like I am able to be more focused and just altogether more healthy. During this 2 weeks I had one day where I ate a lot of carbs, ate less veggies, and did very little activity and it took me 2 days of sticking to my program to start feeling good again.

When they say food is fuel they are not kidding, who knew?

I put good food in and I have great output, better mood, more energy and less stress. I put bad food in and I feel sluggish, depressed and grumpy.

A New Outlook!

When I made the decision to have bariatric surgery I knew that I needed to talk to people who have either had surgery or plan on having the surgery, I needed information and support from people who know what I am feeling and going through.

I am now part of 2 separate Facebook groups, The Bariatric Sisterhood and the Adult Bariatric Calgary, I have found both of these groups to be great sources of information and support even though I have only met a few of the ladies from  The Bariatric Sisterhood (who were all very lovely ladies). I need to mention that both groups that I am a member of are “secret Facebook groups in order to protect the privacy of the members and so if you want to be added to the group you must be referred.

When I started the blog I posted it to my Facebook and to each group I am in, the feedback I have received was awesome! Having said that I received a comment from someone in The Bariatric Sisterhood saying she loved my blog (thanks again) but that I should consider changing my use of the word “fat” to “phat” and so after a few days of contemplation I have decided she is right.

This journey has been so much about changing my thought process that maybe changing that one word will be inspiring for me and anyone else reading this blog. I will be changing the title of my blog and every time I feel the need to use the word “fat” I will replace it with “phat.”

Now since I have brought it up let’s talk about changing the thought process. In my very first class with the Calgary clinic they said it’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle (blah, blah, blah) tell me something I haven’t heard before.

It has taken me until just a couple of weeks ago for this to really sink in and for me to start changing my thought process. I don’t know what it is specifically that changed my mind, maybe it was my incessant talking to everyone that will listen about the classes and the surgery but one day I just thought OMG, this is how I need to eat everyday for my health not just to lose the weight.

Since then I have made numerous changes to how much I eat, the types of food I eat and I have been slowly increasing my activity. All of these changes have had so many wonderful effects that I can’t imagine going back to the type of eating I was doing before, but it’s only been a couple of weeks so hopefully I can keep feeling this way so I can maintain a lifetime of change.

The Everyday!

In my last post I talked about some of the problems I have encountered during vacation because of my weight, today I want to talk about what it is like to live your life as a fat girl.

Every morning I struggle with the scale, yes every day! I know from years of dieting that weighing yourself more than once a week is not good because weight fluctuates but every morning I have to talk myself out of stepping on that damn scale. I ate “good” yesterday maybe I will be down today, sure overnight the weight just disappeared, what is wrong with me? I know better than to think this way.

Getting dressed everyday is a hassle because even though I have a closet full of beautiful clothing I never put on anything and think gee I look really good today, it is more of a well I look better than yesterday or at least this hides a little fat. I am know laughing at myself for the last comment, how do you hide over 100 lbs of excess fat? You don’t!

Do you ever worry about going out with your friends because what if they pick the booth at the restaurant? Am I going to fit? How do you tell your friends can we sit at a table with chairs because I am not sure my ass will fit in this booth? Not that long ago I went to lunch with 3 of my amazing girlfriends and I went to walk in between 2 tables to get to where we would sit and my rear end literally knocked utensils off the table next to ours, I am not totally embarrassed because I am sure the whole restaurant is looking at me. Through my embarrassment I pretend that I don’t care and pick the stuff up off the floor while my lovely friend behind me moves the table out the way and gives me this smile that tells me it’s okay and not to worry about it.

How about camping? My weight could’t possibly be an issue then, could it? It is an issue because when my husband and I bought I trailer we would have private conversations away from the salesman about, would I fit in the dinette or the shower? That is not the only consideration though. Anyone who camps with friends or in a group knows that chairs get left by the fire and you end up sitting wherever, I won’t because I am terrified I will break a friends flimsy camping chair. It is bad enough when my starts to tear but I certainly don’t want to break a friends.

Just one more for today, watching my son’s play sports. I always feel like the other moms are judging me so I don’t talk to them unless they talk to me first. I hate sitting on the bleachers at some of the arena’s because as soon as I take my first step it makes this sound that sounds a little like it’s crying for me to get off. Some of the arena’s have built in seating and those are better but I hope we don’t have to squish in because my butt is going to take up 2 seats and I would hate to be the reason someone doesn’t get a seat.

That is just a little bit of what I think about and feel like on a pretty regular basis. It feels good to get this off my chest since the only one that probably knows how much I think about my weight is my husband and I am not sure he even knows.

You’re Fat, What’s the Big Deal?

This is what my life as a fat girl has been like and the reasons I have decided to have weight loss surgery.

I will start with me as a teenager. Looking back I was an average size but I always thought that my hips were too big and I longed to be as thin as some of my friends and the other girls in my grade. I remember trying to starve myself but that didn’t last long since I have always had a love of food, I tried to make myself vomit after I ate since I couldn’t resist eating but that never worked well either. I never thought maybe I need to change what I eat, that was a foreign concept to me at the time. If I only knew then what I know now then maybe I wouldn’t be where I am today.

Then I had my first son and I put on 40 lbs I was 18 years old at the time and I started weight watchers and did really well, I got down to 137 lbs but according to them because I am only 5′ 2″ I still needed to lose at least 6lbs. I tried and tried but I hit a plateau at 137 lbs and I finally gave up. I gained 30 back and I was 167 lbs 3 years later when I married my husband.

Now I am married and I get pregnant with my second son and I put on more weight. I am 257 lbs the day I give birth to my second son, I lose 30 lbs fairly quickly again with weight watchers but it is not long before I am back into bad habits and over the years I gain and lose the same 30 lbs over and over again. I try several different diets, exercise programs, and diet pills all with the same results.

I always knew I was fat but I never realized how fat I was, I know it sounds ridiculous just look in a mirror or step on a scale right? Maybe I was in denial I don’t know but I obsessively stepped on my scale and looked in the mirror and I just didn’t see it.

That all changed in November of 2011 when my husband and I took our boys to Disneyland. On the plane ride the seat belt fit but thankfully I had my skinny boys on either side to give my ass some extra room, the food tray came down but it was tight. The rides at Disneyland were fun and we had a great time, my feet not so much. Next we went to Sea World and I tried to go on a ride with the kids and I was told I did not fit and would have to get off, OMG the humiliation! I couldn’t belive it I was 236 lbs at the time and I didn’t fit, now I am paranoid for every park we go to because what if I don’t fit? Then it happened again at Knottsberry Farm I couldn’t do up a seat belt and had to get off the ride and do the walk of shame leaving my 10 year old son on this incredible scary roller coaster by himself.

A few years went by and nothing changed much despite the awful way I felt on that trip. I gainEd some weight back again and I am now back up to 257 lbs when we book a family vacation to Orlando, here we go again! January 29, 2015 we leave for Florida and I know the seat belt on the plane still does up because in September I went to Las Vegas with my mom, but now the tray doesn’t really go all the way down. Again I had no problems with the rides at Disney World but I had to skip a few rides at Universal Studios after trying the test seat and knowing I wouldn’t fit. The test seat, a seat outside the ride that you sit in to see if you fit in a regular or what they call a “modified” seat or none at all while everyone walking past you stares at you. I tried the test seats and had to ask for a modified seat on a few rides and had to skip a few but my kids never complained once that they couldn’t ride in the front row or the very back as only certain rows have the modified seats.

Those are just the problems I have encountered on vacation. What about the day to day worries and embarrasement?

I will write about that in my next post as I think this one has gone on long enough and I have my sons lacrosse game to get to.

Wait Listed, Now What?

I am all done my classes and I had my appointment with the nurse on February 17, 2015. I am now officially on the surgery wait list!

So now what?

According to the nurse I will see the surgeon in 5-6 months, so I am looking at July or August and then she says surgery 3-6 months after that. The nurse would like for me to re-take a class on emotional eating, probably a good idea I guess.

I signed up for the class and I just took it yesterday. It was good and the people there had lots of good ideas for strategies to cope with the emotional eating.

My next appointment will be with the dietician on May 7th, I am not sure what will happen at this appointment but I am sure anxious to find out. I have to participate in the weight loss clinic in some way at least once every 3 months or I will not be allowed to continue with them, so after my dietician appointment I am not sure what will come next. Another class? A doctors appointment? See the nurse? Hopefully the dietician at my next appointment will give me an idea.

So now that you have heard my whole story up until yesterday I will continue my blog with updates on my progress, appointments and whatever else I feel like.

When I started this blog I didn’t expect to have any followers except maybe a few family members and friends who would follow out of obligation so I want to thank everyone who is following this blog already, even if it’s only out of obligation!

Surgery or No Surgery?

I spent a lot of time researching the gastric sleeve surgery because gastric bypass just sounded way more invasive.

This is what I discovered:

1. They remove more than 50% of your stomach
2. The smaller stomach makes you feel full faster
3. It is not reversible
4. You can have dumping syndrome from eating too much, this can cause you to feel very sick
5. You can not drink and eat at the same time after
6. You usually have to be on a liquid diet for 1-3 weeks before surgery and will be on liquids then soft solids for about 1 month after
7. Taking vitamins is NOT optional

That is just a little bit of what I researched, there is so much more but I don’t want to bore you with too many details.

The surgery itself has approximately the same risk factor as a gall bladder removal surgery or a hysterectomy. So I think that the risks seem to be minimal, I have had a hysterectomy and it really wasn’t that big of a deal.

Before I can make a final decision I decide to talk to my husband, kids, parents and friends. I can not have this surgery with out support from my friends and family.

I talk to my husband first and he is supportive as I knew he would be, he tells me “you need to do whatever you need for you” and already I feel a little better about my decision. Next I tell a few close friends they are all listen to me explain the surgery and why I think I should have it and how miserable I have been in this body, they ask some questions and all are supportive. Now I talk to my kids, they both basically say we love you the way you are and we don’t want you to have surgery (so sweet). I explain to them why although I don’t have health problems now that my weight will likely cause me health problems later and that I am just not happy, now they are on board (although worried). Lastly I tell my parents, not because they are not important but none of them were in the city when I made my decision and I wanted to discuss it face to face if possible (I ended up telling my dad over the phone), they were all concerned but supportive.

My decision, I WILL have the gastric sleeve surgery. I think this is going to be the best option for me to lose the weight and keep it off so that I can have a long healthy life.

I have not made this decision lightly, I know that my whole life is going to change and that I will have to change my eating habits for good. There is no going back to eating fast food and shoving my face with salty, sugary and highly fatty foods.

It’s scary to think that I will have to change my lifestyle so drastically.

• I am scared that I will fail to lose the weight even with surgery
• I am scared of the recovery from surgery
• I am scared of the plastic surgery I may need to have as a result of excess skin from being so heavy for so long
• I am scared of what people will think of me for having this surgery.

Next step finish my classes and make an appointment with the nurse at the clinic so I can get on the wait list.

My First Class

The day I go to my first weight management program class, I am excited to get started but also feeling nervous.

I am not good at meeting new people and I know that this class is going to be full but I put on my big girl panties and I get in my car and head to the class. The class is at 9:00 AM on a Saturday so naturally I stop at Timmy’s for a large coffee and a breakfast sandwich….. hmmm maybe not the best choice on the way to a weight loss class.

The class is surprisingly good, it is being taught by a psychologist who tells us over and over again that food is an addiction and this is not our fault, we shouldn’t be beating ourselves up over our weight since our bodies were designed to over eat and store fat. She also tells us a little about the program and explains some of the surgery options.

I leave the class and I am going over everything said in the class while I drive home. The more I think about the class the more I start to change my mind. Maybe surgery isn’t the easy way out, in fact I think having surgery would be harder than trying to lose the weight through diet and exercise.

To have surgery means I will have to completely change my eating habits, the types of food I eat and maybe even give up certain foods FOREVER!

I decide I don’t have enough information to make my decision, I guess I better do some research.

Starting the “Program”

November 8, 2014 was the day I officially started the program by having an intake meeting with the nurse. The nurse explained the program and I was screened for any medical and psychological problems that I may have. No medical problems despite my weight and I am not too crazy to participate in the program, yipee!

This program gives you the option to work with dieticians, nurses and a psychologist in order to assist you with whatever you may need to successfully lose weight. You also have the option of weight loss surgery, they offer the lap band (although this is rarely done any more), the gastric sleeve, and gastric bypass. Surgery is an option available to anyone for free after successful completion of the program.

I went into the program knowing that I was not about to take the easy way out and have surgery to lose weight, how lazy is that? Everyone knows you just need to diet and exercise and you will lose weight, duh!